It was not a simple year. I’m afraid younger Taya would not be pleased with me. I was carefree. I was wild. I was daring. I was impatient. I was impulsive. All the things I was once afraid to be. I forgot about my bedtime and what homework was due. I laughed at my own jokes for longer than was appropriate. I danced in private and then danced in public as if I were still in private. I posted the story. I got into the school. I published the book. I applied for the job. I accepted the job. I went on the trip. I drove the night. I kissed the boy. I tried the drink. I wore the shoes. I texted first. I double texted. I said “I love you”. Most importantly, I did it without having it all figured out. I sorted out the details as I went or maybe I knew after or maybe I never quite figured it out at all.
This would have once seemed like a nightmare to me. Honestly, it still makes me grit my teeth when I write it all out. But I could have had my last day this year. My last evening. My last soccer practice. My last weekend. My last smile. My last shift. My last coffee. My last class. My last rush hour traffic. My last “I’m so tired, I can’t”. So thank God I worried a little bit less and lived a little bit more. As I do every year, I want to talk about my top three takeaways and then go over the intentions I set at the beginning of the year. Finally I’ll end it off with my intentions for 2025.
No. 1) Trust your intuition
My infamous hesitation to take ownership, which I’ve mentioned in past recaps. For the longest time I’ve been so afraid of making mistakes in any aspect of my life. So much so, that I would avoid taking the lead in my own life. Although I’ve made progress to break this habit, it hasn’t been without difficulty and setbacks. I spent a lot of my teenage years looking to my mom for guidance and reassurance – especially in friendship. This was because of a betrayal early on that made me think it was best to abandon my intuition as I believed it had failed me. Today, I couldn’t think of a more inaccurate statement. I had not failed myself. No. Not at all. The people in my life, flawed and human as they may be, had failed me. One of the worst things this world can do is convince you to doubt yourself. After all the years I spent believing I couldn’t accurately predict and prepare for a storm, I’m trying to accept the weather is out of my control and turn inwards to uncover what it is I want to experience in my life. I can go dancing in the rain and swimming under the sun even if it might get windy without warning. And I can do it without asking anyone’s permission. The lungs that breathe air into my blood and the heart that pumps it to my muscles are mine, and only mine. No one can decide for me what only I can decide for myself. What a lovely gift it is to have an incredibly present and supportive family, who is all ears when the nights are dark and the days cloudy. But what a gift it is also to be Taya, with my own desires and secrets.
No. 2) Keep some things for yourself
I can be extremely reserved, especially when meeting new people. Strangers and acquaintances might even describe me as mysterious. But once you get past my shell and pinchers (I’m a Cancer, if you couldn’t already tell), I’m not a fairly secretive person. In fact, I find it hard to keep things to myself. When it comes to other people’s secrets, I don’t have a problem. Friends surprise birthday party? You got it. Sleeping over without permission? Lips sealed. Feeling guilty about something you said? Vault with no key. But as soon as I want to spend a morning meandering through campus, an afternoon driving through the city, or an evening date under the stars, I’m second-guessing myself instantly. I find it so challenging to not seek approval or reassurance that I ‘did the right thing’. But whatever is doing the right thing anyway, you may ask. I don’t freaking know. I’m not even sure anymore what ‘right thing’ I’ve been trying to do all this time. What box even is this? What are these borders and rules for? How did I get here? And why can’t I get out? Part of the reason I struggle so much keeping my experiences as my own is that I spent so many years afraid of making the wrong decision and I could only commit to something after getting a second opinion. I needed approval so much that it became like a crutch I couldn’t walk without. Being able to walk on your own feet takes courage. There is pride in being able to accept help, but there is also beauty in independence. Secrets are pages in the book for only you to read. I realize now that it doesn’t matter what’s written on those pages, so long as they’re yours, and only yours.
No. 3) A balanced life is a healthy life
There she goes again, trying to accomplish everything. I’m hard working. I’ve always been disciplined and taken my life seriously. I would work by the motto that whatever I do today, future Taya will thank me for. But I can get a little bit obsessive. A little bit too involved with my goals that I get uninvolved with my life. This takeaway has been pretty simple actually, to put it in one word – live. Just go and live. Do the things. Do it tired. Do it scared. Do it insecure. Do it overwhelmed. Do it stressed. Do it uncertain. Do something. Because when you do the things, you live your one precious life instead of thinking about living it. This past year I moved from the home I’d lived in for 18 years. During the entire experience, I not only managed to function, but I enjoyed myself. I smiled. I laughed. I went out. I met someone. I studied. I took exams. I watched movies. I stayed up late. I read a book. I wrote poems. I lived. And that might just be the biggest takeaway of them all.
In my last recap blog post – A year of revelations, I listed my intentions for 2024. I prefer to make New Years Intentions instead of resolutions because it feels less restrictive and I can go into more depth with each one. Before I share my intentions for 2025, I wanted to reflect on last year’s intentions.
Intentions for 2024:
- Sleep more.
- Say yes instead of maybe.
- Have bravery behind every hello and goodbye.
- Routines come and go.
- Your ideas are always worth it.
- Travel is worth the price.
- Bring an open mind when you can, an open heart when necessary.
I did not sleep more… at all. In fact, this is probably the least I’ve slept in a year. It was worth it though. I said yes with a smile, many times. I was brave in my hellos and goodbyes. I was less afraid of disorganization or chaos. I definitely pursued my ideas. I got my first poetry book published this year. I traveled. That last intention might need another year of practice.
For 2025 I’m setting new intentions, adding onto all my previous ones. They are as follows;
- Smile wrinkles > anxious wrinkles
- “There is no joy without gratitude.” – Brené Brown
- Fall in love with yourself.
- Health is success.
- Keep secrets.
- Let uncertainty be.
- Be you in love.
